Hi everyone, Brooks here. Kendra couldn’t make it this week, but before you leave and never come back, she’ll be back next week. You may remember me from such classics as “That One Time When Kendra Couldn’t Do It & I Did The Tough Enough Finale & Raw In One Blog” or “The NXT Live Results Every Week.” If not, hello.
It’s summer and I’m a teenager, so my sleep schedule is completely messed up. Therefore I apologize in advance for any rambling or grammar errors that will probably occur. Without further ado, let’s get right to it:
Recap Of Punk 3:16
A – As always, an excellent promo package. As Shawn Michaels mentioned during his speech, these guys don’t get enough credit. They have enough color and light effects, they could probably make a video of a bowel movement look epic. It’s interesting to note that they shied away from showing the parts of the promo in which Punk mentions things like Ring of Honor and says hello to Scotty Goldman. That leads me to believe that the promo was less scripted than most. Obviously I’m aware that it was a worked shoot, but I’m thinking it was more of a “Hey, go out there and tell them why you’re leaving. Just keep it PG” instead of the normal scripting for promos. Great work as always to make it feel like a huge moment, which it was.
John Cena Responds
B+ – Cena informs the crowd that CM Punk has been suspended and therefore loses his title shot at Money in the Bank. I’m not Cena’s #1 fan but a lot of the hate he gets isn’t justified, especially those who say that he can’t work a mic. Sometimes he’s cheesy, but it seems like with Cena, the more serious the tone of the promo, the better. He knows how to use his voice to keep the crowd listening. But as for this promo specifically, it was very good for some of the same reasons Punk’s was: the touches of realism. The mention of Daniel Bryan’s firing and signs being confiscated, for example. Angles that are build to be this “real” are normally reserved for WrestleMania. It’s great that they’re pushing this hard to promote a B-level show. Cena says that he’s calling out Vince, because he wants to face Punk. Very good stuff from Cena.
Smiling Divas vs. Pouting Divas
C – Is there a better way to sum up the division right now? I was considering “Divas wearing colors vs. Divas wearing black” since that’s almost always the case as well. Kelly Kelly & Eve are facing The Bella Twins, and this really wasn’t that bad of a match. It was no Melina vs. Alicia Fox (reward joke for the folks who read my Tough Enough blogs!), but it was a step up from the usual Diva match. There were actually some signature moves and some basic psychology during the match. Kelly won with her finisher, and I still won’t care much about the Bellas until Kharma comes back and decimates them.
Winners: Kelly Kelly & Eve
Andy Leavine Promo
B – Silent Rage, the man that won last season’s Tough Enough. He was a good pick, I think most would agree. I hated Luke’s attitude, even if he had the edge in the athleticism department, and we know how workers aren’t pushed exclusively for in-ring work. We also know that nothing will get a worker de-pushed quicker than arrogance, and Luke was not lacking in arrogance. I’m excited to see Andy actually compete. I wish they would’ve capitalized on the hype and debuted him the week after he won, but if he wasn’t ready, I’m fine with them fine-tuning his skills some more. He’s an intense dude, and he’s quick for a big guy, so hopefully he’ll stand out from the other big guys.
R-Truth Is Paranoid: Part 386
C+ – I love wacky heel R-Truth. He’s apparently talking to Flo from the Progressive commercials before Scott Stanford asks him about his opportunity to face John Cena at Money in the Bank, if he can win the triple threat match tonight. He just switched to Geico and someone’s gonna get got tonight. I guess they’re done building Truth as a credible main event heel for now, because he’s cutting what are basically comedy promos. I enjoy humor in wrestling, so I don’t mind it, but it doesn’t exactly make you think “Yeah, this guy could totally beat Cena!” Also talking about the same thing for the 386th time in a row is Alberto Del Rio. Can you guess what he talked about? It rhymes with vestiny!
KozTino vs. OtungaCutty
C – OtungaCutty have the tag team belts. It’s okay if you didn’t know that. This was standard tag team stuff, for the most part. I really enjoy the dynamic of Santino and Kozlov. In one spot, Santino just leaned forward and Kozlov used him as a battering ram of sorts against McGillicutty. McGillicutty eventually picked up the win with his spinning neckbreaker finisher. The New Nexus just has no momentum and needs to stop. Hopefully it’ll end if/when Punk leaves, but I’m not so optimistic. After the match, Zack Ryder comes out, says “Woo woo woo, you know it.” and leaves. As a card-carrying member of the Zack Pack, I hope this leads to something. I’m just glad to see the guy on TV, though.
Winners: OtungaCutty
The Miz Discusses Strategy
B – Oh, how the mighty have fallen. I’m not knocking Alex Riley (although I’ll probably do that later), but going from winning the main event of WrestleMania to losing to Riley is a huge step. Luckily for Miz, he still looked like a main eventer in this promo. He looked crazy and intense, which is the best kind of Miz.
Evan Bourne is 12
B – I’m genuinely surprised that they haven’t made Evan Bourne dress up as Justin Bieber in one of the groan-worthy Entertainment segments. Evan’s voice is hilariously unintimidating. He’s backstage with Sgt. Slaughter before Jack Swagger comes in and lisp-spits all over the Sarge. Swagger challenges Sarge to a match later tonight. Swagger mentioned Slaughter’s heel turn during the Gulf War, which is one of many odd callbacks tonight. WWE doesn’t mention its past much, and it’s a nice change of pace to have some references that longtime fans get.
Jack Swagger vs. Sgt. Slaughter
C – Swagger’s such a talented guy, and he gets put into the weirdest angles. Slaughter slaps Swagger around for a minute before going for the COBRAAAAAAAAAAAA (clutch). Swagger fights out and wins with a Vader Bomb. After the match, Swagger applies the ankle lock before Evan Bourne makes the save. Swagger retreats and Slaughter and Bourne recite the pledge of allegiance. Weird segment, but there have been much worse holiday segments.
Winner: Jack Swagger
Alberto Del Rio vs. Rey Mysterio vs. R-Truth
B+ – I feel like we’ve been seeing so many triple threat matches lately, but I won’t complain. I love triple threats. At times this match suffered from the same thing many multi-man matches: one guy gets laid out on the outside of the ring and two other guys go at it like a regular match. There were a few very cool spots throughout that made up for it though. Rey hit a doomsday device splash on Truth and Truth hit a sunset flip on Del Rio, which resulted in a German supex on Rey. I liked that Truth didn’t help Del Rio beat Rey during that spot, even though their both heels. It adds to Truth’s paranoid character and it doesn’t abuse the overdone triple-threat-into-handicap angle that’s done so often. Del Rio eventually steals the win with the cross armbreaker. This is probably just to set up a future angle with Del Rio, with the revelation at the end of the show.
Winner: Alberto Del Rio
Kofi Just Wanted Some Cake
B+ – There’s a cake in the ring as Dolph Ziggler and Vickie Guerrero walk out. Although it is the United States’ birthday, Vickie wants us to celebrate Dolph instead, so she asks the crowd to stand up and sing Happy Birthday. Vickie sings to a chorus of boos, then Dolph cuts a very impressive promo. Ziggler used to be very average on the mic, but he really impressed me with this. He seemed confident, which I think made the difference. Kofi comes out, and sounds comfortable on the mic as well. These two don’t get much mic time, so it’s really nice to see them get the opportunity instead of having them wrestle for the thousandth time. Kofi makes Ziggler accidentally push Vickie’s butt into the cake, and then he pushes her face in it. Both men sounded as good as they ever have, and Vickie was the heat magnet she always is.
The Miz vs. Alex Riley
B- – I must say I’m impressed with Alex Riley’s face run so far. He just looks like a heel, but he’s made the transition seamlessly. The Miz is partially responsible, as he’s playing his role perfectly as well. One thing I still can’t stand is how Cole buries the face in the ring. Riley’s still getting over, and Cole doesn’t have anything to build toward anymore, so talking about why we shouldn’t like Riley doesn’t do anything but hurt Riley. The match wasn’t anything we hadn’t seen before, although it wasn’t bad. Riley won with a backslide pin, and Miz looked like a devastated little kid. Afterwards, Miz attacked Riley, tossing him around the outside and throwing him over the barricade. He had to do something, since Riley’s had the upper hand since day one of this feud. Miz sold his frustration incredibly well, looking to be on the verge of tears, angry and embarrassed at the same time.
Winner: Alex Riley
Cena Confronts The Boss
A – It seems like it’s been a while since a promo closed Raw, but this is was an excellent segment. First, McMahon came out and was the reasonable, almost babyface Vince, but slowly turned throughout his speech like he so often does. He tried to leave early, but Cena came out and stopped him. I can’t really do the promo itself justice; you just need to watch it if you haven’t already. In short, Cena says that he wants to fight CM Punk, and Vince doesn’t want him to because there’s too much risk. Eventually, McMahon concedes and the match is back on, but if Cena loses, he’s fired.
There was realism in that promo. Vince referenced Hogan, someone he has had legitimate programs. He mentioned “other wrestling companies.” This is not the kind of build that a normal B-level show gets. There are big plans here, and I really don’t have a clue what they are. The last pay-per-view main event feud was “I’m a conspiracy victim and I want your title.” This has the involvement of the entire WWE, and it’s not for WrestleMania, not even SummerSlam. I rarely ever buy a pay-per-view that isn’t WrestleMania, but I might actually buy Money in the Bank. Not only will it likely be an excellent show, but it’s a way to show WWE that we “smart” fans appreciate such a different, intriguing storyline.
This was a fun but inconsequential show. The show never really dragged, but nothing really noteworthy happened, save for the opening and closing promos. I’d give the show a B all in all, since it was certainly above average. Kendra should be back next week, and I hope you guys enjoyed reading this. I’ll be lurking the comments to hear any feedback, hate mail, or conspiracy theories you guys may have. As always, thanks for reading.
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